guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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