I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize