i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
