Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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