You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
