I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
