If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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