FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
