sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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