He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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