That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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