y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
