overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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