i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
