If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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