i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
