I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
