matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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