Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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