So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
