Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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