I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just threw up on my dentist
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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