nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
