just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
