we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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