Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
