I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize