I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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