Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You need Xanax blowdarts
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
