last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize