That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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