It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
