Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
