I think scott just propositioned me for sex
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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