First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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