Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
