come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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