she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
