I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
