I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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