there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
