I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
