I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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