I hate your face
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
