I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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