are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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