man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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