Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
