She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
