tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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