so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
