Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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