my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
