i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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