If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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