I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So. Much. Porn.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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