Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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