I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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