I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
