I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
birth control should be required to get into college
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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